Saturday, February 26, 2011

BISCUIT AND FRENCH FRIES...

So Monday is my weigh in for the end of February and I am a little frustrated. I feel like I've been working hard and I will lose some weight and then gain some. This cycle can be really tiring. I am forever, intentionally, making decisions that are healthy....and trust me, I enjoy being healthy! But I must admit, it gets tiring when the weight is not dropping as I anticipate....

So, I just walked in the house and the family is eating Pop Eyes. I have been avoiding unhealthy food ALL DAY. I was at a workshop at my school. Every opportunity for ice cream or cookies I passed up, telling myself "IT'S NOT WORTH IT!" I've been doing this EAT-CLEAN DIET and exercising 5 days a week and drinking at least a gallon of water everyday. But for the past couple of days I've been battling with the reality that I am most likely not going to reach my February goal of 8-10lbs. I'm just so tired. I'm not quitting but I am tired.

Anyways, I ate some french fries and a biscuit. Keep in mind, it is already 9pm at night. I did not eat the food out of depression or any emotional eating. I just wanted it. But the last 3 years of my life have been actively choosing not to give into the idea of "I just want it" but for some reason, I don't feel bad about my decision but I know there are consequences that I don't want to endure. But I am conflicted. I am not sure how to feel, honestly.

One part of me is like, "Liana, it's ok. You didn't mess up. You ate something you wanted so keep pushing" The other part of me is like, "Liana is that a self-destructive mentality? Are you trying to convince yourself that you are ok with the decision but you really aren't?"

140plus pounds loss and I, for some reason, still fear that I will never make it to maintenance. Eating to lose weight is a whole different ball game that just eating a maintained healthy lifestyle. People who are trying to lose weight or actively losing weight know what I mean. There is the realty that everything you put in your mouth has you questioning if it will help or hinder the weight loss. It can become extremely tiring and I'M TIRED! I am tired of having to ALWAYS thinkg about the scale, inches, clothing sizes, rolls on my back, cellulite in between my thighs, two stomachs and etc. I'M TIRED....not quitting, not giving in, not hopeless, JUST TIRED!

Was it ok to eat the french fries and biscuit? I don't know but I did. Ultimately, I fear that I will fail you guys. That you would somehow look to me for inspiration and see a failure in the end. I fear that I will not live up to my own words of motivation. That I stuck my neck out there and I didn'tt even know if I realized how hard this would be. It is a blessing to know I encourage people but a burden I carry every day. I don't want your hope to be hindered by my failure or lack of progress....I want to get there so that you can have an example of a CONQUEROR but I am scared and tired and a bit worried but NOT QUITTING!