Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Reflections on Day 16

i wrote this earlier today as i returned from the gym...

It’s been a good day already! I just got home from an early morning workout. I worked out for two hours this morning and the first hour was a spin class. I went to a spin class once before, over a year ago, and it was so difficult for me that I told myself I would never go back to one and here I am proud of myself because I faced my fears. I sweat so bad but it felt so good. Two of my favorite things these days are sweating and being DONE with a workout. This weight loss journey has taught me so much about myself, especially in areas I want to improve in. Most people don’t know because I typically keep my major issues very internal. I have had a huge struggle with shame and embarrassment, greatly as a result of my size. So whenever I am in a situation when I feel shame or embarrassment, I do all I can to remove myself from the environment. Well, as a result of years of torment, I realize that I have adopted feelings of shame, even when they were not being placed on me. For example, the first spin class I ever attended. Because I could not keep up with other folks in the class, I felt like people would focus on me and I would look foolish or weak. But I decided in 2007 to face my fears and it has been one step at a time. It is all about getting my mind right. I have to tell myself, “this is not about anyone else but you Liana. Go at your own pace and just don’t give up. Slow down, if necessary, but don’t give up. Push yourself, when you can, but just don’t give up.” That is exactly what I did today. When I found myself worried about whether or not, I looked foolish because I was sitting on the bike instead of standing with everyone else, I refocused and I must admit, I felt encouraged to go at my own rate when I saw other people taking a rest when necessary to them. But one thing is for sure, it is all about my mentality. That is why I have decided no matter how hard times may get during this season, complaining does not have room in my mind. I’ll cus and I will cry but I made God a promise that as long as He gives me the strength to face my challenges, I won’t complain. When I complain, it changes my mindset, it hinders my strength and fortitude to move forward with my workout. It allows doubt and fear to creep in through the back doors of my heart and the next thing you know, I’m giving up the fight, barely putting forth effort and consumed by the idea of the workout being over. I can’t afford that happening, especially with the goals I have in mind. I have to push and pray...push and pray and trust that God has not brought me this far on my journey to leave me....I will cus and I will cry but I made up in my mind that complaining has no room in my heart, for it will only hinder me.

2 comments:

  1. What a wonderful revelation! AWESOME!!!!

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  2. Thanks lashonda...i hope it encourages you to conquer any fears in your life...

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